A friend tells things to other people behind your back. Your parents forced you to take a college course that's the polar opposite of what you really wanted. Your boss grants to another colleague the promotion that was promised to you half a year ago.
Many times in our lives, there are people who would do things or say things to us that would cause us pain, hurt and even hatred towards that person. And when that happens, we start forming this force field around us to avoid going through the same experience over again. Then we share our anguish to some friends who will listen, sympathize and in the end will say, "That sucks. Well, what can you do? Just forgive them and move on."
Seriously? REALLY???? Forgive... and move on??? Isn't that exactly how we would respond to even the very thought of forgiving someone who has done damage to us?
What Forgiveness Is
Merriam Webster defines "forgive" as "to give up resentment of or claim requital for."
To let go of completely. To abandon. This is what it means to forgive someone in the truest sense of the word. In Bob Proctor's 11 Forgotten Laws program, I love how he defines forgiveness as "getting to the place where you think about the person and are able to wish them well."
At the bare minimum, forgiving someone is choosing to let go of your desire for any revenge or ill-will towards the person who has "wronged" you.
What Forgiveness Is NOT
I am almost certain that many people reading this are starting to fume inside, just thinking about the people who have hurt them in one way or another. Forgiving is simple -- just choose to release the pride, the hurt, the resentment (more on this later). But of course, simple doesn't normally mean easy.
Where do people usually get it wrong? There are a few misconceptions about forgiveness which makes it challenging for most people to do it.
1. Reconciliation precedes forgiveness.
"That insensitive ____ (insert cuss word here) didn't even bother to apologize!" Let's get this straight once and for all. Forgiving someone is not dependent on whether or not the other party would apologize. Sure, it would be so much easier to forgive if they did. Nevertheless, forgiveness is a choice. When you forgive, you free YOURSELF from the negative feelings right here, right now. You are prolonging the agony for no one but yourself if you choose otherwise. For all you know, that person could be living by the beach sipping pinacoladas all day, while you go to bed every night nursing your bitter heart!
2. Forgiving someone means letting them off the hook
When we get hurt, the next logical step is to make sure such experience never happens to us again... EVER. This "force field" we form around us comes in the form of resentment, grudge and even hatred towards the offender. These feelings keep us safe and protected. This is why many people are reluctant to forgive, because we feel that to forgive is to give up that force field. To excuse the person and minimize the harm that was done. To allow ourselves to be hurt again. The truth is, when you forgive, you open yourself up to better ways to "protect" yourself. You allow yourself to live a happier, lighter and healthier life.
It's worth pointing out that carrying feelings of resentment, grudge and hatred have now been scientifically proven to affect our physical health - most especially the lungs, heart, kidney and liver. These negative feelings are "toxins" in our bodies, so you might as well release them!
3. Forgiving is forgetting
I never really understood where we got this idea to put the two together - to "forgive and forget". And this is another one of the misconceptions that gives forgiveness a bitter taste in people's mouths. You see, forgiveness has nothing to do with having to forget it ever happened. Forgetting is denying something exists. So when you attempt to "forget" something ever hurt you, what you could potentially be doing is suppressing your emotions about it. And THAT is not the same thing at all as forgiving. Forgiveness is supposed to make you feel free, not suppressed.
The Person You Need to Forgive Most
More often than not, we fail to realize that more than learning to forgive the person who has hurt us, we need to learn to forgive OURSELVES. Our bitterness and resentment mostly comes from being unable to fathom how in the world we could have allowed it to happen to us!
Am I that stupid? Am I that ugly? How did I get myself in that tangled up situation? Why did I even think they'd be willing to love me that way? We would question ourselves like this in an effort to understand how we allowed ourselves to get hurt. And this is more dangerous. Blaming ourselves can be a bundle of sadness, regret and a whole lot of negativity. It's time to stop punishing and blaming yourself. Learn to accept yourself and realize that at the end of the day, what you did or happened to you does not define who you are.
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